We all experience bereavement and loss at some time in our lives.

However grief can express itself in many different ways, often with very powerful, frightening and confusing feelings. It is common for those feelings to ebb and flow over a very long period of time, whilst many of those around us may make us feel that they want us to ‘get over it’. Although no two people’s experiences will be the same, below are some of the common feelings which you may experience at different times in your grief.

Shock and disbelief

You may find that you feel calm and rather detached. This is particularly the case when a loss happens very suddenly without any warning.

You may find that it is difficult to realise that the someone close to you has gone. Although you ‘know’ that someone has died, you may sometimes find that you ‘forget’ this. Many people find that may think they see the person or hear a sound that makes them think they are close. This searching often happens when we least expect and can be very painful as it reminds us of our loss.

The pain of bereavement may also involve...

Sadness

You may be feeling great sadness both for the person who has died or is dying, as well as for yourself and for what you have lost.

Helplessness

Traumatic events can make us feel helpless as we have been unable to prevent the death of someone close to us.

Feeling frightened

The loss of someone close can make you anxious and tense with unspecified fears that mean you feel more unsafe and have to be near to family or stay indoors. You may fear you will break down or lose control.

Anger and guilt

You may be asking 'Why has this happened?' or, in particular, 'Why has this happened to me?'.  It is often a wish to find someone or something to blame.

You may find this leads to powerful feelings of anger and guilt.

Despair and depression

There may be times when you feel that it is hard to find anything to live for and feel there is little point in going on. You may feel that everything is so confusing that you are losing your sanity. This, though painful,  is a common experience.

Finding Support

At these times it is often important to find other support. This might be from family or friends but sometimes it also helps to talk to others.

Let your GP know what has happened and how it is affecting you.

Finding out about your local bereavement support service is a good start and you can find out about services in London on this website.                                                                   

You can also contact www.crusebereavementcare.org.uk to find out about services in other parts of the United Kingdom. They may also be able to tell you about special groups of bereaved people who may have had similar experiences to yourself, for example if you have had a child die.

What you can do to help yourself

• accept that it is normal not to feel 'normal'
• let yourself experience the feelings you have about what has happened and talk to others about it. Many people feel the need to talk about what has happened and how they feel about it, over and over again.
• you may need to find out more about what happened if all the facts are not clear about how your loved one died
• some return to routine can help as long as you try to balance this with time to reflect on what has happened to you
• try to have a life style that keeps you in good physical shape - try sticking to a regular routine of eating, sleeping, exercise and relaxation. Look after yourself.